I have all my fingers, I have all my toes. I have no major ailments, as far as anybody knows. I've had no major struggles in life, I've had no major foes. Nothing is as bad as it seems, pessimism really blows.

Poem by yours truly.

Anyway, it's been a strange day/night. I started off doing nothing. I tried playing video games, I tried doing homework, I tried watching a movie, I tried many things, and nothing felt right. I eventually went out to eat with my roommate, then had him shoot a portrait of me. Cha-ching!

Then it happened. I sat outside on my balcony at 2:00a.m. thinking. I thought about climate changes, and that my breath was carbon dioxide soaring into the atmosphere. I thought about this idea that the world is changing. And people are right. It is changing. But the world is always changing. It always has been. Nothing is different in that everything is different. Stop worrying so much.
I thought about my life, and what it would mean if I died today. It would be pretty meaningless. I have accomplished nothing. I haven't even accomplished anything to set myself up to accomplish anything in the future. I thought to myself, if I die soon, I want to leave something behind. That was it. That was what I needed.
I walked into my room, opened up my computer, put on some music, and started writing. I am now halfway done with Bouvet Island, my pet feature project. I am going to keep working on it until I finish.

The Contant Struggle

There is always a strive for creative output to a powerful degree. How can one attain it? Once it is attained, how does one move on to the next blip of creativity? Does it all mean anything, in both a local and global sense? Probably not.

It doesn't matter how creative I am. I will always feel that I am not. I will always feel that I have not done what I could. Does everyone feel that way?

I feel like a bum. I've been in Los Angeles for a year and haven't made shit.

Puzzled

I constantly feel like I need to "turn my life around". I honestly don't even know what that means, but I can't extinguish the feeling. What needs to change? I could come up with an endless list, but I doubt any of those actions will satiate my hunger for progression. I don't even know what kind of progression we're talking about here.
I get home and feel like I need to clean my room, big time. I walk into my room and it's clean. Is there a word for that? What would you call it?

At all hours of the day I feel so completely disorganized, unproductive, wasteful, and over analytical. I feel that instead of doing one thing, I could be doing another. When I go to do that other thing, I feel as if that's not the right activity, and that I need to move on to something else. Backwards logic? Is it the Eastern European in me? That was distasteful.

What do I need to do that's so damn urgent?

• Edit "Car Trouble"
• Production Design homework
• Write my feature
• Shoot my Directing 1 project

I am gaffing a shoot for the next four days. I am 1st ADing another shoot for two days immediately following the gaffing gig. The next weekend I am 1st ACing another shoot for a couple of days. I am DPing another shoot immediately following that. Somewhere in there is my Directing 1 shoot. I'm also about to get a buttload of UPM homework after tomorrow.

I know I'm forgetting some stuff, and though I love being here, all I can think about is going home for Christmas.